Ogle Year 3

Someone saw me yesterday and this is what they told me:

You are not self-aware
and you are not content.
And you are not content because
you don't belong.
You don't fit in anywhere or with anyone
and you don't belong with anyone or with any place,
and you will either find a person you fit with
or a place where you belong
or you won't.


(And I can't help but wonder if it is my fault that I don't belong anywhere or with anything, because I reject everything and everyone. And how can I ever figure out where I belong if I can't quite actually (and am unable to theoretically) figure out who I am?)

I don't think I like being seen.

I read this:

"I said to someone I know "I don't know why this hurts so much"
And she said "it hurts because it mattered"
And that was a huge thing for me to realise
That there are things in life that hurt
And they hurt because they were important"


And then the author goes onto say that the most important thing is not "it will get better" or "it could get worse," but that it is okay to hurt and it hurt because it mattered.

Fun fact: In the state of Alabama, adults over the age of 18 can only be adopted if the have some mental disability.

Helen

Helen, GA is this little tourist town in North Georgia where all the buildings have a fake Germanic style. No offense to the lovely townsfolk of Helen, but it looks like a really tacky tourist trap. I guess some people like it, because all the shops on the mainstreet that sell touristy stuff survive. However, the area that surrounds Helen makes it a complete jem. Mountains surround Helen, but not just any mountains--lovely mountains with hiking trails and waterfalls and (almost) free camping places.

I have learned from my mother the poor habit of not planning things very well. This style of not planning has translated into our vacation life very clearly in the past four years.....   Christmas during my senior year we decided we were going to go on a ski trip in Colorado about 5 hours before we went--Mom told Jim we were going on vacation while she and I proceeded to pack about 30min after the idea was first mentioned. I have no idea how we afforded that vacation--I made a Christmas tree out of wrapping paper and taped it to a wall because we couldn't really afford a tree--but it was one of my favorite vacations. Well, in like habit, Mom and I decided where we were going and where we were staying the evening before we left...at least we had planned the vacation days a week earlier. Well, we hiked to a different waterfall every day we were there, and, the first day, the hike was so short we decided to hike up the waterfall. It was wet and dangerous and fun minus that Mom slipped and hit her head lightly on a rock....    The second hike was Raven Cliff Falls Trail which is in a state park only about two hours (I timed it on the way back) outside Atlanta and followed a creek 2.5 miles to this beautiful waterfall and swimming hole. The best part was a camp site near the trail head that had two campfires located in a flat space large enough to hold at least four tents next to a large bend in the creek that a rope swing above it. The entire place was begging for a bunch of twenty-somethings to take over and,...... well....ya, have large amounts of fun.

Regardless if my friends want to go camping, I bought this book with pictures and directions to waterfalls all over GA and SC, and I think I'm going to be going on adventures all year.My goal is to hike to all the waterfalls in my book before I graduate OU. If you want to come along on any adventures, let me know and we can plan accordingly.

Overall it was a nice vacation. I suppose I am pretty lucky to have spent the entire weekend alone with my Mom and to mostly get along the whole time.

Said The Whale

Did you know whales could talk? because they say things and such.

Earlier this summer I thought it would be a good idea to let my brother know that I love him and I don't want to push him, but I'm here if he ever wants to talk. He responded with a collection of vague explanations/excuses for what he said in October, but the gist was that, "ya, we can talk." So that was interesting to say the least. I think we're both quite unsure about what to talk about, so we've been talking about and sharing music, or rather, he is trying to instill some sort of musical education in his poor, ignorant sister. Some of the bands sound just a little noisy to me, but listen to this:

Greener Grass

Change is a funny thing. Its jokes are not always deliberate though I've been made the butt of a few of them. My world at Oglethorpe is incredibly different from the one I have here. Both have their pros and cons, and they both seem greener when I'm in the other world. So I've been here thinking about the greenness of Ogle all summer long, but now that I'm about to move, I'm thinking things are pretty green here.  I'd rather not pack or plan for the move. In fact, I would rather stay in the routine I currently have than to do the big switcheroo. Well, all ends come in their due time and my routine here is ending--tonight is my last night working at Dippin Dots and Thursday will be my last day working at the Lighthouse.  

However, I have an anxiety relief plan: HAVE FUN!  Eek, I'm so excited. This weekend Mother and I are going on a "family vacation" which should be interesting--hopefully we don't kill each other. BUT, hiking in the mountains together should be a blast and is worth all the glitches that I am sure will occur between us. Also, instead of going up to ATL on the 12 (my move in day) I'm going up a day early so that my old friend Alex and I can catch up. He suggested that we spend the day at Lake Allatoola which sounds like a blast made out of sunburns and water-fights. Have I mentioned that I love mountains and lakes like nobody's business?  

but, I still have to pack...and plan recruitment...and stay alive. 

Last fall I stopped blogging for the most part because I stopped having thoughts that were appropriate to share with the internet. (read: I was angry about a lot of things, and anger/complaining rants are not things that should always be public.) But, I think I will let the world wide internet see once again how narcissistic I really am. (What's a blog for anyways other than narcissistic rambles?) So, to begin.

So far this summer, I have learned two things God (why not be honest and possibly offensive?) has taught me two things:

1. Happiness/perfection does not exist in a list.

So here is the deal, I don't like to not be in control of the world around me even though I know I have absolutely no control, but that is besides the point. Needless to say, when I decided I finally thought a boyfriend sounded like a good idea, I looked for someone who fit the list. (yes, I have a list and yea, I know that is really silly.) The list was my way of controlling how a relationship would work. And it did. The list was safe, predictable, not incredibly emotional or distracting. Well, the list did help me realize I don't like long distance very much, but it did absolutely nothing to create a semblance of that Happiness Or Whatever It Is People Talk About. At least I know I am not good at relationships. I still have my list saved somewhere in a private blog I read from time to time for nostalgia, but, although I still agree with most of the sentiments, I don't think it is everything.

2. I don't know myself 

I was playing with my mother's pencil eyeliner which I have no idea how to use--I use a brush and "paint" eyeliner on-- when I accidentally created this very dramatic look. I showed my mom and asked what she thought. It looked good, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't me? She said, "You would be a very different person" if I wore my makeup like that, dark, thick and dramatic. Well, I started thinking about how a change of appearance automatically changes the person others would perceive me to be. So technically, I could become anyone I wanted to whomever I wanted. This inspired a downward spiral of self-centered thoughts which concluded in a healthy dose of self doubt. I do not know myself half as well as I think I do or as much as I would like partly because I'm still growing, personalities aren't fully formed until around 28, and I'm just fickle twenty something girl (which, by the way, has negative consequences on others...which sucks.) (Also, way to be typical, self, living up to a stereotype AND having a blog.) 

trying to get blogger to work on my phone is a pain.

Fall Fresh

The Fall is for starting over fresh, right? Well, I guess that is more of a spring thing, rebirth and everything, you know?  Maybe it is the start of a new semester, but I feel like it will be a fresh start in some areas. Read: I broke up with Will. So the fall will be a fresh start. I think I am most excited for spending time with Delaney and Jos, and, also, really excited to spend time with my guy friends. I miss their goofiness and interchangeable kindness and buttfaceishness. My friends, all of them are lovely, and after spending the last weekend talking about specific moments when my friends were incredibly wonderful, I can't wait to see them all. 

What kind of parenting style is this?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/25/denise-abbott-mom-facebook-photo-punishment_n_1452661.html?ref=parents&ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009

Caffeine

I do not remember the last time I have happily gone through a day without caffeine. This morning I had a Zip Fizz which is essentially a vitamin energy drink which normally make me feel rather awake and focused, but today I just feel normal. Normal is better than the dead I felt when I woke up this morning; however, if a super large dose of caffeine is getting me to normal, I think I have a problem. What are the withdrawal symptoms after you become addicted to caffeine? extreme fatigue, inability to concentrate, headaches....   Wait, it is finals time. I do not have the time to for fatigue or headaches....  Continue with the addiction? One of these day, I'm going to have to stop. But I'm not quite sure how possible that is... on the upside, at least I'm not addicted to hard core drugs or alcohol.

Hmmm....

Today has been a really good day. I fell asleep happy last night after going to a funny play and hanging out with really funny people at Swirl. I also made plans to go on a friend-date with a guy friend to a fancy planned course dinner, which I think will be a lot of fun. He is really nice and I'm excited to get to know him better despite the fact that he will be graduating and leaving soon. Also, today I was really productive with my homework, which was great, but while I was doing my homework, I ended up having the most bizarre and entertaining conversation with this random guy from one of my classes. The most interesting thing about our whole conversation, is that he know thinks he has a really good idea of who I am from two strange pieces of information he gathered. The thing is, any conclusion he could have come to, other then me being just really strange, would have been a completely in accurate view of me. So I guess I think it is really funny that he thinks he knows who I am, but really has no idea.

J. Michael Gray

Well, about five months ago I received a Facebook message from my biological brother informing me, more or less, that he was cutting me out of his life. He gave a few vague answers, but nothing that really gave me an understanding of why he acted so abruptly and felt it was so necessary. Anyway, I chalked it up to his "rough childhood."  I know things were very difficult for him during his adolescence, and I understand that. I also understand that I do not know the whole story, nor everything he went through, and I will take for granted that it was more difficult than I saw or could have imagined. However, of our younger years, he tells a completely different story from the one I experienced and I just don't understand. Flipping through some old Facebook photos this evening of pictures from our childhood, he had captioned a picture of our mother "took this 15 seconds before getting slapped for taking the picture. totally worth it." My memory of my mother, my very clear and vivid memories, tell me that she was not abusive. I mean, I would get slapped in the face every once in a blue moon, but that did happen very often at all. Needless to say, it is extremely confusing to have to very different and strong opinions of the same childhood.  I also know that 1) children living in the same house can experience two very different childhoods--this is a thing, it happens all the time; 2) memories can and do change every time we retrieve a memory because our brains want to fill in the holes--human memories actually are not very good and pretty much suck. So that leaves me with two working theories: either I didn't witness or experience the things my brother claims he did (which is possible) or his memory was changed (or I witnessed everything and my memory changed).  As silly as it may sound, either are possible and neither he nor I have the ability to distinguish what actually happened, since we have two competing theories. But, that inability causes problems for it leaves us both maintaining our own, spereate, incompatible memories. I am guessing how he feels about it because, at my discretion, we don't talk about IT. I guess he feels even more hurt because I am either unwilling or unable to affirm his hurt and pain. I guess I'm not sure it would do any good to talk to him about IT, at least that is what my high school self decided, because all we will do is fight without coming to a consensus. Hmm, maybe we both have warped memories and ideas, ones that would never occur to us, each of us.

On the upside, I have one more facebook friend (aren't I cool? ) because my brother decided to add me back on Facebook this afternoon.

Sunburn

After joking for the past five days about how eager I was to acquire a sunburn, I finally have one. Trying darken my skin and finish my homework at the same time I read on the backporch this morning and then drove to read on the beach. It was a nice day. I read on the couch, the porch, the beach, and then the couch again. While at the beach I decided to take a reading break and go for a walk, which is an interesting thing to do alone when the beach is filled with spring breakers hanging out with each other. I was happy to be alone, sharing the song sand thoughts inside my head with God, while avoiding shore-washed jelly fish and laughing at the tourists. The night before last Delaney and I made dating profiles on websites for each other as a joke and not necessarily with the other's permission--I started it by making her a christianmingles.com profile. I met a cool person on her profile that she started talking to and she met another one on hers that she liked, but other than her one marriage proposal, that was about all. I think we both deleted both of our profiles tonight...well I deleted mine.
I think the idea of just meeting someone and being like, hey, i like you, is really weird and that if I were to date someone, which I don't think I would mind right now, I would rather date a friend and get to know him better. I guess though I just don't know how to strike a balance between communicating to any guy acquaintance 'hey, i'd like to get to know you better,' without leading him on--which is the last thing I want to do.

Crushed Ice Cubes

The people who surround us mirror ourselves and the world around us in a peculiar fashion that teaches us more than we could learn by looking into a glass. However, people, like glass, come in different colors, shapes, and sizes, with a unique contour that allows us to see more of the whole self. People can reflect their colors on us, like a tinted glass, or make us look disproportionate to the world through flattery or belittling like a concave or convex reflective. Those who love us often offer a rose tinted picture, those who hate us may have a refection with a red glare with grim lighting, while those who are indifferent toward us may show us an image in which we are not after all the main focal point.

An individual makes a different sort of mirror than a group, and when the two combine they create a different reflection than the two do apart. Adam Smith says our consciousnesses are created through our understanding of the reflections individuals, groups, and the two combined offer of ourselves. I’m not sure if I agree with him, although I can easily see why he believes that—I tend to lean towards a more Aquinas view of consciousness, but then again, what do I know? Regardless, we can certainly discover quite a bit about who we are by understanding how other people see us, how they react to our actions, and how and why we respond to the way individuals and groups act toward us. For instance, I’ve learned that despite the fact I’ve always thought myself to be a wonderful communicator, my mother has taught me that I am not always understood as clearly as I think I am coming across.

My friends have mirrored images have wanted to see, not always truthful images, and have also informed me of my numerous neurosis and quirks. My sorority has a group has mirrored back the image of a leader, a person I don’t know if I, in my long term, want to be—it is much easier to be someone who lets others down than it is to try to lead them.  The group of 40 something partiers on the beach, mirror back a quiet and misunderstood introspective (or maybe my parents are just 40 somethings who are now living the college years they never experienced and all I can think is surely there is more to life than that). 

I think it is in our interactions with others that we learn the most about who we want to be and who we actually are. I happened to have developed a crush on this guy I go to school with which is no big deal, nothing will come of it I’m sure, but in interacting with him it has become more evident, to me at least, that I am not the person I want to be. Not to be big-headed, but I tend to think extremely well of myself most of the time; however, I can genuinely admit that I am not good enough for this guy which shockingly makes me smile and a little sad or disappointed, rather, in myself. Interacting with him has inspired me to go after the things I love and want to be, not in an attempt to pursue him (I’ve decided to not pursue him), but for my own happiness. 

"People Say I'm Strange, Does It Make Me A Stranger?"

I am one of the strangest people I know, except for maybe some of my friends, but that is besides the point. This morning I woke up incredibly early to read articles that I was supposed to read last night for a meeting with a classmate at 9:30 this morning. Well, it didn't take me as long as I thought it would to read the articles. I mean, I woke up a 6:30ish. So I ended up getting all of my work done and going to breakfast at 8:30 because I was really hungry, well hungry enough to eat. It is at breakfast where my weirdness seems to me to become extremely pointed.

You see, I am a product of several opposites: a north-west and southern mindsets, intelligent atheism and uneducated Christianity,  and encouragment that I can do anything and discrimination for being a female (and short) to name a few. What have all those opposites turned me into? A kid who loves grits, a traditional southern breakfast food, and salsa on eggs, a traditionally western anytime dish.

At Oglethorpe last year, our food company, Bon Appetite, would serve breakfast burritos every once in a while with which they would serve salsa! Every breakfast I attended afterwards I was disappointed to find they did not feel salsa should be regularly available. I wrote comment cards about it. I'm very confident I was blatantly ignored. No worries, though (I know you are extremely worried...), we have a new food company, Aramark, that provides an omelet bar everyday! Now, I'm not the biggest omelet fan, I like over easy, over medium, fritattas, or scrambled better, but they have salsa at the omelet bar Every. Single. Day. When I first discovered the salsa I immediately asked the lady working behind it to put salsa on my scrambled. She thought I was crazy. I still think she thinks I am crazy, though she laughs at me now instead of scowling and lets me serve myself which I'm sure is against the rules.

What about salsa and scrambled eggs made me realize I was so strange? Well, 1) it is a weird (delicious) food combination, but 2) she told me today that she puts the salsa specifically on the edge of the thingy so I can reach around the plexy glass and serve myself.


Someone just sat down at the breakfast table and asked me what I was doing, to which I replied: I keep a blog to record my year so that a few years from now, I can look back and be like wow, I'm (insert adjective) and really narcissistic. So who am I today? I am a joyfully morbid person who values propriety and has an offending sense of humor. I like to consider myself an educated Christian although I doubt the educated part is always true. I know that if God is willing I can do anything I want to do, I just choose to not want to do the things I know I couldn't do like become a WNBA player or prostitute. Although I have short hair and often act like a ten year old boy, I'm confident in my femininity and am looking forward to finding a guy one of these days and getting married sometime within the next ten years.  And I eat salsa on my eggs.

When I Can't Sleep

I....

1) write angsty blog posts.
2) I stalk people on facebook
3) I read other's blogs
4) I eat
5) I lay n bed wondering why I can't sleep
6) I think about aggravating one of my friends
7) I think about everything in the world that is silly to think about
8) I realize I'm crazy and that everyone should stay far away from me least the crazy be released on them
9) I watch bones.

Life is about learning

I am suppossed to be studying for a midterm tomorrow, but I am aware of the fact that you cannot memorize things very well when you have a lot of cortisol in your blood....

I feel horrible. I have let many people down and have caused a huge liability risk. I haven't been the person I and people I love expect me to be. I can't change the past, but I can't woman-up and claim responsibility and the consequences for my actions. I can learn from my mistakes and hope that others are able to learn from them too.    I hope that eventually I can earn back the respect I loss for myself and the respect others loss for me.

I am very excited for tomorrow night, nervous and scared, but mostly excited, although sometimes I get confused over whether or not I am feeling anxiety or excitement... I don't know if I am doing the right thing or if I'm over analyzing, or what. I'm not even sure I can discern what is right right now. But Delaney and I should have fun at the comedy show:) I've never been to a comedy show before, but I'm sure it will be amusing. I'm also very confident Delaney will have fun watching me be a little crazy--it will give her things to tease me about which she feels a shortage for, at least if you ask her.

I've lost my planner, and that is a really big problem. I'm upset with myself for a lot of things right now, but not being able to find my planner is about #1.....

Voices

Why are the negative voices louder than the positive voices? Why is it easier to start a rebellion and to encourage anarchy than it is to build a city? Why are passions excited more quickly for the dark and tasteless things than for nurturing and giving activities?

You hear what you allow around you, the people you surround yourself with, the music to which you listen, the thoughts you allow to float between your ears.

I want positive, healthy, happy, constructive, loving, caring, and protective thoughts and feelings for the world and people around me, for the organizations with which I choose to affiliate, and for myself.

Naysayers! I shun you!

Meet boy or draw nearer to God: both good options.

I haven't written anything in quite some time. I haven't felt like I have had time for this little bugger, and I certainly haven't had time to write or work on a short story. I've not had any papers to write either. I think I just don't know what to write about, I mean, I have a lot of feelings I could put on to this figurative paper, but that would be selfish writing. (I have filled countless notebooks with "selfish" writing.) A man I truly admire very much once said when asked to give advice to beginning writers that he feels like his work is worthless when he writes for himself, but, when he writes something as a gift for others, his writing comes alive. He seems to be right, his books and words have deeply affected many, many people, including myself and those close to me. He has a way of discovering truths and communicating them with poignancy. Maybe I just do not have much to tell people, maybe I do not have the answers I so badly want to have and share, maybe I am simply incapable of seeing the bigger picture.

In psych class the other day we were talking about a word, I forget what word, but it has to do with an adolescents thought process that maintains everyone is thinking about them, or conversely that no one understands them. I think said word may be adolescent-egotism. I guess that is actually two words. The past few days I have had the fortune to remember thinking about how special I was and wondering if people could see the special that I new was inside of me--another symptom of adolescent egotism. Sometimes I would be embarrassed if people saw it (or I thought they saw it) other times I would pretentiously be embarrassed for someone if they didn't see it--a kinda "Don't you know who I am?" type of attitude. In remembering those silly thoughts, I've realized that there is genuinely nothing that special about me and I can't help but wonder if there is actually any one thing I am meant to do or accomplish. I am not special, I am painfully average, and I'm not quite sure what to do with that, what kind of life I am supposed to shape or imagine.

Of three things I am certain: I know that I was created to worship God. I know that He/She/It has a plan for my life that I will never understand. I know that life and, consequently, all plans are uncertain.

I am excited to go to church on Sunday. Maybe I'll meet a boy or become closer to God.

Happy Valentine's Day To You

When I was a little kid, every Valentine's Day if my mother has just a little money to spare, we would have a big event. I'm talking lobster tails and king crab for dinner with banana's foster for desert with the entire family. I don't think she and my father ever went out together on a date on Valentine's. They chose to instead, to make it a family event, about love and affection even if you didn't have a "significant other". I suppose they thought me that you didn't have to be romantic with someone for them to be a significant person in your life. My daddy always bought my mom and I a bouquet of flowers each (although mine was smaller) and he and mom gave my brother and I each a Valentine's Card. It was lovely. I remember thinking that it would be awkward when I grew up and had a boyfriend on Valentine's because my parents would be sad I wasn't spending it with them. Well, that hasn't happened yet--the boyfriend part. However, I still celebrate the day of love and use it as an opportunity to share my love and affection with those I care about--even if I am only giving people a silly card and a few pieces of candy (I really didn't want to bake this year like I did last.)

Despite the number of Facebook posts and other comments from "single" people about how silly and stupid this day is, I would like to argue that they are not really single, they have people to love and to love in return even if it is not in the romantic sense. While I am looking forward to the day when I am blessed with that different kind of love, I do not feel like I am lacking love or a reason to celebrate love and affection today on this heart-shaped holiday.

It is kind of funny in that way that makes you giggle while everyone stares at you because you are the only one laughing. I mean, it is funny the way things change, the things that once evoked emotions so strong triggering the desire to vomit no longer affect you while other things you once took for granted become extremely important. That being said I am currently cataloging in my head all the things over which my feelings have changed in the past year or so that are really inappropriate to talk about where people who might actually know what I'm talking about can read. Thinking about change reminds me of a question I regularly use to aggravate those who choose to be close to me--how can we ever know who we are or who other people are? We're always changing, so we're never the same from moment to moment, so how can we really know ourselves or other people. I don't think we ever truly can. Despite that, I am still procrastinating studying in the same manner I always have, drinking the same inspiring drink I always do when I'm lacking inspiration/will power and need that final push, I'm still day dreaming about the same thing, looking at the same pictures, missing my brother, and longing for a far off futures while trying not to forget the importance of today (and well that test I have tomorrow afternoon.)

P.S. I got to listen to a violin tonight and share it with a friend whom of late I haven't spent enough time with and it was absolutely delightful. I wish I got to do things like that more often.

FOOTBALL!!!

I have two facts for you: today is the superbowl and kick off for that game happens to be at 6:30.
I really dislike football, the game itself and the amount of importance so many people place on it...Maybe it is so popular because men don't hunt like they used to...
Anyways, the only reason I know those things about the superbowl is because we're having a superbowl party at sigma tonight--a party I planned that hopefully a handful of potential new members will be coming to. That is now two sentences I was ended with the word to...  Anyways, tonight is our first official recruitment event even though we have been recruiting girls for the past twp weeks. I'm nervous about how the day will turn out, I mean, what happens if no potential new members show up? The event would be a waste of time, energy, and money--all of which are currently limited resources. Anywho, I'm excited not because I like football (we will also be decorating cookies and playing games), but because I have planned this event and I'm excited to see it go smoothly and I hope successfully.

Lent

I've never celebrated Lent. However, over the years I have participated in a church-wide (my local church) Daniel fast, a larger community wide 40-day challenge, which is a type of fasting, and have had my own personal seasons of fasting. I don't remember really fasting as a kid, and I remember thinking about fasting as I got a little older, but it didn't really make sense to me despite reading the stories of cities that fasted and the miracle of the Esther story that involves a great bit of fasting--I just didn't get it. However, one day during middle school I found a passage in Isaiah in which God basically says, and forgive my paraphrasing, 'why do you fast and then do what ever you want? Why on your day of fasting are you mean to people and punch them in the face? That isn't what fasting is supposed to be about. It is supposed to be about taking care of those who need it and breaking addictions and conquering suck.' ( See Isaiah 58) and it hit me, I guess what fasting was supposed to be about, why it was so powerful, and why it is a good thing. After I gained  bit of understanding, I liked Lent a little bit more than I did previously. However, then I fully realized what Fat Tuesday and Mardi Gras were about and I was disgusted. They are fun traditions, but the theological basis for the "holidays" are not existent. It doesn't make sense to me to stuff your face with as much food and alcohol as possible, or to get all your "sin" out of the way before you fast for a little while. Now, don't misunderstand, I'm not accusing the acts of eating and drinking to be sins. The activities of Fat Tuesday and Mardi Gras seems to me to be  symbolizing getting all the sin you want out of your system before fasting. And that isn't how my understanding of fasting or Christianity works. It isn't about getting the bad stuff out of your system by doing whatever it is for a period of time, it is about ever striving to live up to the title christian--Christ like. I know I fall short of that ever day, which is ultimately okay, but that doesn't mean I get a break from that for a few days before Lent. Needless to say, when a proposal for a large pre-Lent feast came before SGA today, my religious self righteousness was aggravated about the incorrectness of it all. I voted to approve the proposal because, in that situation at least, my personal religious opinions need to be disregarded. 

And as I type this I am more aware of my own imperfections cough-I-know-self-righteousness-is-a-bad-thing-cough and conscious that everyone misunderstands something and the person who thinks they know all and lord it over others' heads is probably the most clueless of all. 

Sisterly Love

Among all things Oglethorpe are the strange relationships I have with some of my guy friends who I feel are really a part of my family, I truly feel like they are my brothers. Well problems arise in those friendships just like they do in any other sort of relationship, but the problems that are not really that big throw salt in one of my wounds--my own biological brother refusing to have anything to do with me. i understand more than most anybody how issues here aren't really that big of a deal despite the fact that I still feel the burn of salt in a much deeper wound that they didn't cause. Thus, I can't help feeling the hurt as a result of problems here that isn't quite the anyone's fault.
If you can't tell, I really miss my brother tonight. I wrote him a note in the journal I keep to tell him important things with the hopes that one day he'll read it and know he is and was loved. Though, I'm not sure if it would be painful for him to read it...I may not give it to him if I decided it would be painful for him....not that I really do know what is painful for him. I only write him about once a month when it is around the time where he and I would normally talk. Tonight I've tried to spend time with one of my brothers here and to think about the brotherly affection of others here and it's helped, though they're not Michael. What is worse is that I'm letting my hurt with Michael affect my relationship with a brotherly figure here and because I don't quite know how to resolve things with Michael, I don't know how to resolve things here. I know I'm hurting people and I don't know how to not and I don't think I like that.

Hihi

Life has a way of flying by at a speed I am struggling to keep up with. Last night I was lying awake in my bed trying to fall asleep while thinking about every thing I didn't need to be thinking about while trying to sleep. I realized that I check and read your blog often but that I hadn't updated you on what was going on here. Thursday I sent in my first internship application. Even though I don't think I'm going to be accepted, I'm really excited about it and am going to call late next week to confirm they received my application. Oh, I applied at the DeKalb county child advocacy center, just btw. Also, I've gotten quite a few people to read TFIOS and Delaney like it so much that she has begun to read all of John Green's books. (Her reaction to TFIOS was quite similar to mine--lots of laughter and tears.)  Is is so weird that I'm so thankful for that man? I feel like he has taught me so much about being a kid and growing up and how to deal with all the transitions in between. he has done so much for me that I can't help but to feel a platonic love and affection for the man in the past 6? years that I've known of him. How different do you think we would be if we haven't had the influence of all that is youtube? We'll never know. Well I'm going to go back to listening to Chameleon Circuit while working on my research paper (10 pages due Thursday). I love you dearly. Don't forget that everything has a way of working out, like fights and arguments and stuff. Also, don't worry about things you can't control. You're good at rolling with the punches life likes to dole out.

Miss Bruton Was Right

Once upon a time I was in high school. A shocker, I know. Miss Bruton taught a variety of classes, psychology, AP US history and any other history class that the school needed her to teach, coached the soccer team, and helped "coach" the scholars' bowl teams. One of my brothers friends recruited me to join the junior varsity scholars' bowl team where I first met Miss Bruton. The next year I had her for a history class. And the following year I had her for 3 semesters worth of classes--psych and AP history. She was a delightful teacher who sought to understand her students and quickly became one of my favorite teachers. (I remember one day I snapped at her during class. She pulled me aside after class not because she was really upset about being snapped at, but because she could tell I was really upset about something because it was out of character for me to act that way. I cried. She listened. It was a nice moment.) One day while Miss Bruton was covering psychological disorders, schizophrenia to be exact, she mentioned that many mental illnesses begin showing symptoms during the college years and that while she was learning about all the illnesses she couldn't help wonder if this tick or that moodiness was a manifestation of some neurosis or another. Bruton mentioned that if we were to ever take an abnormal psychology class we would begin to wonder if the other people in our lives or ourselves were coming down with the strange diseases we were studying. She was right. I cannot count how many times in the past few days I have wondered if someone is schizophrenic or if I'm hearing voices in my head....

TFIOS

The other day I started and finished a book called The Fault in Our Stars only about nine days after it had officially been released. The author had gone to great lengths to prevent spoilers from appearing anywhere on the internet or in conversation on his book tour, but I still felt like I knew how the book ended before I started reading it. I had listened to John Green read and talk about the book, (he shared a few quotes that I didn't know would be in the book which made those passages special to me), I knew who the book was dedicated to, why it was dedicated to her, and what happened to her, I knew something I didn't like would happen. All the book's of John's I have read have ended that way, ended with an ending I wouldn't have chosen. I like fairy tales and romances where everything ends as it should--happily ever after. One of things John said when I went to hear him speak was that he feels like is writing is horrible if he is writing for himself. The only time he feels like we writes something well is when he is writing a gift for us. And every book of his I've read has been a gift. They make me mad and cry and laugh and really angry while teaching me something that hadn't previously occurred to me. I shared TFIOS with a friend here who said he really liked it. I don't think any of my other friends will read it or really like it all that much though I kinda want everyone to read it.

Getting Reacquainted

I have been overwhelmed by everything work, Sigma, and all my classes. 

I love driving north into downtown Atlanta when I can see all the sky scrapers in the horizon before I start driving right through the middle of them. Every time I see those buildings my heart swells with affection and curiosity, and I feel more at home than I've felt anywhere else. Unfortunately, when I saw those buildings on the way back from Christmas break I wanted to turn around and drive the other way--that was disheartening.

Tonight I studied at a coffee shop near downtown Atlanta and got reacquainted with the city during the drive back and forth. It was lovely. And I'm happy, so happy. I felt my heart swell and happiness overcome me by simply being in between the skyscrapers with the rush of driving fast among other fast drivers while listening to loud and fast music. 

Tonight I had time for incredibly selfish thoughts that were not worth having, but it was kinda nice to have time for frivolous thoughts....I kinda miss them... but it is probably a good thing I'm distracted by school and Sigma and by the kid I babysit--Jake.

I keep wishing for the future, to meet a match. I love my guy friends and make efforts to protect them from the harm I  can cause though sometimes I a) still act in way not conducive to that end and b) simply miss my friends. The city always makes me think about this stuff that shouldn't be in my mind at all until someone likes me enough to take me to church and not have sex with me because I'm one of those weird christian girls. 

   

The Night Before

Tomorrow I will be awake at some awful time to print out a manual, a personality survey thing, pack the last few things in my car, and hit the road to Atlanta. There I will drop off a few things and carpool to Charlotte, North Carolina where I am going to spend the night with a whole bunch of Sigma's. Here is to hoping that it goes well. I just really excited for the several hours I am going to spend alone in my car listening to music. I think I might just turn my phone off while I'm driving. It will be great.

Hello 2012!

It has been so nice to meet you and I cannot wait to see what you will have for me. I realize that as a tangible measurement of time, an intangible concept, you're really just a figment of my imagination. Within your seasons I am going to change and grow because, well, that is what people do regardless if they want to or not. Hopefully, I  will grow and change in good ways. Here are a few changes I am going to make, not because it is a new year but because I finally have the tools catalyze changes I have wanted for a long time.

-Work out 2-3 times a week. (eek, we finally got a new gym!)
-Manage my finances more accordingly. (ie actually create and USE a budget, AND save money to live in Atlanta over the summer. Also, start investing wisely.)
-Spend more time with God. (ie subscribe to a proper quiet time and go to church more often. It does sound tedious, but I actually love it and thrive when I make myself do it.)
-Do things that I have decided I want to do instead of doing things others want me to do. (ie, I would much rather cuddle in my bed with a good book than party. Thus, don't be cajoled into going out when you don't want to.

I don't know about you, 2012, but I think this is a reasonable list of life style changes to accomplish. Throughout this next year, you and I are going to get to know each other pretty well. I'm not making an...

Delaney just got here, EEEEKKK! So imma go.