Ogle Year 3

Someone saw me yesterday and this is what they told me:

You are not self-aware
and you are not content.
And you are not content because
you don't belong.
You don't fit in anywhere or with anyone
and you don't belong with anyone or with any place,
and you will either find a person you fit with
or a place where you belong
or you won't.


(And I can't help but wonder if it is my fault that I don't belong anywhere or with anything, because I reject everything and everyone. And how can I ever figure out where I belong if I can't quite actually (and am unable to theoretically) figure out who I am?)

I don't think I like being seen.

I read this:

"I said to someone I know "I don't know why this hurts so much"
And she said "it hurts because it mattered"
And that was a huge thing for me to realise
That there are things in life that hurt
And they hurt because they were important"


And then the author goes onto say that the most important thing is not "it will get better" or "it could get worse," but that it is okay to hurt and it hurt because it mattered.

Fun fact: In the state of Alabama, adults over the age of 18 can only be adopted if the have some mental disability.

Helen

Helen, GA is this little tourist town in North Georgia where all the buildings have a fake Germanic style. No offense to the lovely townsfolk of Helen, but it looks like a really tacky tourist trap. I guess some people like it, because all the shops on the mainstreet that sell touristy stuff survive. However, the area that surrounds Helen makes it a complete jem. Mountains surround Helen, but not just any mountains--lovely mountains with hiking trails and waterfalls and (almost) free camping places.

I have learned from my mother the poor habit of not planning things very well. This style of not planning has translated into our vacation life very clearly in the past four years.....   Christmas during my senior year we decided we were going to go on a ski trip in Colorado about 5 hours before we went--Mom told Jim we were going on vacation while she and I proceeded to pack about 30min after the idea was first mentioned. I have no idea how we afforded that vacation--I made a Christmas tree out of wrapping paper and taped it to a wall because we couldn't really afford a tree--but it was one of my favorite vacations. Well, in like habit, Mom and I decided where we were going and where we were staying the evening before we left...at least we had planned the vacation days a week earlier. Well, we hiked to a different waterfall every day we were there, and, the first day, the hike was so short we decided to hike up the waterfall. It was wet and dangerous and fun minus that Mom slipped and hit her head lightly on a rock....    The second hike was Raven Cliff Falls Trail which is in a state park only about two hours (I timed it on the way back) outside Atlanta and followed a creek 2.5 miles to this beautiful waterfall and swimming hole. The best part was a camp site near the trail head that had two campfires located in a flat space large enough to hold at least four tents next to a large bend in the creek that a rope swing above it. The entire place was begging for a bunch of twenty-somethings to take over and,...... well....ya, have large amounts of fun.

Regardless if my friends want to go camping, I bought this book with pictures and directions to waterfalls all over GA and SC, and I think I'm going to be going on adventures all year.My goal is to hike to all the waterfalls in my book before I graduate OU. If you want to come along on any adventures, let me know and we can plan accordingly.

Overall it was a nice vacation. I suppose I am pretty lucky to have spent the entire weekend alone with my Mom and to mostly get along the whole time.

Said The Whale

Did you know whales could talk? because they say things and such.

Earlier this summer I thought it would be a good idea to let my brother know that I love him and I don't want to push him, but I'm here if he ever wants to talk. He responded with a collection of vague explanations/excuses for what he said in October, but the gist was that, "ya, we can talk." So that was interesting to say the least. I think we're both quite unsure about what to talk about, so we've been talking about and sharing music, or rather, he is trying to instill some sort of musical education in his poor, ignorant sister. Some of the bands sound just a little noisy to me, but listen to this:

Greener Grass

Change is a funny thing. Its jokes are not always deliberate though I've been made the butt of a few of them. My world at Oglethorpe is incredibly different from the one I have here. Both have their pros and cons, and they both seem greener when I'm in the other world. So I've been here thinking about the greenness of Ogle all summer long, but now that I'm about to move, I'm thinking things are pretty green here.  I'd rather not pack or plan for the move. In fact, I would rather stay in the routine I currently have than to do the big switcheroo. Well, all ends come in their due time and my routine here is ending--tonight is my last night working at Dippin Dots and Thursday will be my last day working at the Lighthouse.  

However, I have an anxiety relief plan: HAVE FUN!  Eek, I'm so excited. This weekend Mother and I are going on a "family vacation" which should be interesting--hopefully we don't kill each other. BUT, hiking in the mountains together should be a blast and is worth all the glitches that I am sure will occur between us. Also, instead of going up to ATL on the 12 (my move in day) I'm going up a day early so that my old friend Alex and I can catch up. He suggested that we spend the day at Lake Allatoola which sounds like a blast made out of sunburns and water-fights. Have I mentioned that I love mountains and lakes like nobody's business?  

but, I still have to pack...and plan recruitment...and stay alive. 

Last fall I stopped blogging for the most part because I stopped having thoughts that were appropriate to share with the internet. (read: I was angry about a lot of things, and anger/complaining rants are not things that should always be public.) But, I think I will let the world wide internet see once again how narcissistic I really am. (What's a blog for anyways other than narcissistic rambles?) So, to begin.

So far this summer, I have learned two things God (why not be honest and possibly offensive?) has taught me two things:

1. Happiness/perfection does not exist in a list.

So here is the deal, I don't like to not be in control of the world around me even though I know I have absolutely no control, but that is besides the point. Needless to say, when I decided I finally thought a boyfriend sounded like a good idea, I looked for someone who fit the list. (yes, I have a list and yea, I know that is really silly.) The list was my way of controlling how a relationship would work. And it did. The list was safe, predictable, not incredibly emotional or distracting. Well, the list did help me realize I don't like long distance very much, but it did absolutely nothing to create a semblance of that Happiness Or Whatever It Is People Talk About. At least I know I am not good at relationships. I still have my list saved somewhere in a private blog I read from time to time for nostalgia, but, although I still agree with most of the sentiments, I don't think it is everything.

2. I don't know myself 

I was playing with my mother's pencil eyeliner which I have no idea how to use--I use a brush and "paint" eyeliner on-- when I accidentally created this very dramatic look. I showed my mom and asked what she thought. It looked good, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't me? She said, "You would be a very different person" if I wore my makeup like that, dark, thick and dramatic. Well, I started thinking about how a change of appearance automatically changes the person others would perceive me to be. So technically, I could become anyone I wanted to whomever I wanted. This inspired a downward spiral of self-centered thoughts which concluded in a healthy dose of self doubt. I do not know myself half as well as I think I do or as much as I would like partly because I'm still growing, personalities aren't fully formed until around 28, and I'm just fickle twenty something girl (which, by the way, has negative consequences on others...which sucks.) (Also, way to be typical, self, living up to a stereotype AND having a blog.)