I haven't written anything in quite some time. I haven't felt like I have had time for this little bugger, and I certainly haven't had time to write or work on a short story. I've not had any papers to write either. I think I just don't know what to write about, I mean, I have a lot of feelings I could put on to this figurative paper, but that would be selfish writing. (I have filled countless notebooks with "selfish" writing.) A man I truly admire very much once said when asked to give advice to beginning writers that he feels like his work is worthless when he writes for himself, but, when he writes something as a gift for others, his writing comes alive. He seems to be right, his books and words have deeply affected many, many people, including myself and those close to me. He has a way of discovering truths and communicating them with poignancy. Maybe I just do not have much to tell people, maybe I do not have the answers I so badly want to have and share, maybe I am simply incapable of seeing the bigger picture.
In psych class the other day we were talking about a word, I forget what word, but it has to do with an adolescents thought process that maintains everyone is thinking about them, or conversely that no one understands them. I think said word may be adolescent-egotism. I guess that is actually two words. The past few days I have had the fortune to remember thinking about how special I was and wondering if people could see the special that I new was inside of me--another symptom of adolescent egotism. Sometimes I would be embarrassed if people saw it (or I thought they saw it) other times I would pretentiously be embarrassed for someone if they didn't see it--a kinda "Don't you know who I am?" type of attitude. In remembering those silly thoughts, I've realized that there is genuinely nothing that special about me and I can't help but wonder if there is actually any one thing I am meant to do or accomplish. I am not special, I am painfully average, and I'm not quite sure what to do with that, what kind of life I am supposed to shape or imagine.
Of three things I am certain: I know that I was created to worship God. I know that He/She/It has a plan for my life that I will never understand. I know that life and, consequently, all plans are uncertain.
I am excited to go to church on Sunday. Maybe I'll meet a boy or become closer to God.
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