Sisterly Love

Among all things Oglethorpe are the strange relationships I have with some of my guy friends who I feel are really a part of my family, I truly feel like they are my brothers. Well problems arise in those friendships just like they do in any other sort of relationship, but the problems that are not really that big throw salt in one of my wounds--my own biological brother refusing to have anything to do with me. i understand more than most anybody how issues here aren't really that big of a deal despite the fact that I still feel the burn of salt in a much deeper wound that they didn't cause. Thus, I can't help feeling the hurt as a result of problems here that isn't quite the anyone's fault.
If you can't tell, I really miss my brother tonight. I wrote him a note in the journal I keep to tell him important things with the hopes that one day he'll read it and know he is and was loved. Though, I'm not sure if it would be painful for him to read it...I may not give it to him if I decided it would be painful for him....not that I really do know what is painful for him. I only write him about once a month when it is around the time where he and I would normally talk. Tonight I've tried to spend time with one of my brothers here and to think about the brotherly affection of others here and it's helped, though they're not Michael. What is worse is that I'm letting my hurt with Michael affect my relationship with a brotherly figure here and because I don't quite know how to resolve things with Michael, I don't know how to resolve things here. I know I'm hurting people and I don't know how to not and I don't think I like that.

Hihi

Life has a way of flying by at a speed I am struggling to keep up with. Last night I was lying awake in my bed trying to fall asleep while thinking about every thing I didn't need to be thinking about while trying to sleep. I realized that I check and read your blog often but that I hadn't updated you on what was going on here. Thursday I sent in my first internship application. Even though I don't think I'm going to be accepted, I'm really excited about it and am going to call late next week to confirm they received my application. Oh, I applied at the DeKalb county child advocacy center, just btw. Also, I've gotten quite a few people to read TFIOS and Delaney like it so much that she has begun to read all of John Green's books. (Her reaction to TFIOS was quite similar to mine--lots of laughter and tears.)  Is is so weird that I'm so thankful for that man? I feel like he has taught me so much about being a kid and growing up and how to deal with all the transitions in between. he has done so much for me that I can't help but to feel a platonic love and affection for the man in the past 6? years that I've known of him. How different do you think we would be if we haven't had the influence of all that is youtube? We'll never know. Well I'm going to go back to listening to Chameleon Circuit while working on my research paper (10 pages due Thursday). I love you dearly. Don't forget that everything has a way of working out, like fights and arguments and stuff. Also, don't worry about things you can't control. You're good at rolling with the punches life likes to dole out.

Miss Bruton Was Right

Once upon a time I was in high school. A shocker, I know. Miss Bruton taught a variety of classes, psychology, AP US history and any other history class that the school needed her to teach, coached the soccer team, and helped "coach" the scholars' bowl teams. One of my brothers friends recruited me to join the junior varsity scholars' bowl team where I first met Miss Bruton. The next year I had her for a history class. And the following year I had her for 3 semesters worth of classes--psych and AP history. She was a delightful teacher who sought to understand her students and quickly became one of my favorite teachers. (I remember one day I snapped at her during class. She pulled me aside after class not because she was really upset about being snapped at, but because she could tell I was really upset about something because it was out of character for me to act that way. I cried. She listened. It was a nice moment.) One day while Miss Bruton was covering psychological disorders, schizophrenia to be exact, she mentioned that many mental illnesses begin showing symptoms during the college years and that while she was learning about all the illnesses she couldn't help wonder if this tick or that moodiness was a manifestation of some neurosis or another. Bruton mentioned that if we were to ever take an abnormal psychology class we would begin to wonder if the other people in our lives or ourselves were coming down with the strange diseases we were studying. She was right. I cannot count how many times in the past few days I have wondered if someone is schizophrenic or if I'm hearing voices in my head....

TFIOS

The other day I started and finished a book called The Fault in Our Stars only about nine days after it had officially been released. The author had gone to great lengths to prevent spoilers from appearing anywhere on the internet or in conversation on his book tour, but I still felt like I knew how the book ended before I started reading it. I had listened to John Green read and talk about the book, (he shared a few quotes that I didn't know would be in the book which made those passages special to me), I knew who the book was dedicated to, why it was dedicated to her, and what happened to her, I knew something I didn't like would happen. All the book's of John's I have read have ended that way, ended with an ending I wouldn't have chosen. I like fairy tales and romances where everything ends as it should--happily ever after. One of things John said when I went to hear him speak was that he feels like is writing is horrible if he is writing for himself. The only time he feels like we writes something well is when he is writing a gift for us. And every book of his I've read has been a gift. They make me mad and cry and laugh and really angry while teaching me something that hadn't previously occurred to me. I shared TFIOS with a friend here who said he really liked it. I don't think any of my other friends will read it or really like it all that much though I kinda want everyone to read it.

Getting Reacquainted

I have been overwhelmed by everything work, Sigma, and all my classes. 

I love driving north into downtown Atlanta when I can see all the sky scrapers in the horizon before I start driving right through the middle of them. Every time I see those buildings my heart swells with affection and curiosity, and I feel more at home than I've felt anywhere else. Unfortunately, when I saw those buildings on the way back from Christmas break I wanted to turn around and drive the other way--that was disheartening.

Tonight I studied at a coffee shop near downtown Atlanta and got reacquainted with the city during the drive back and forth. It was lovely. And I'm happy, so happy. I felt my heart swell and happiness overcome me by simply being in between the skyscrapers with the rush of driving fast among other fast drivers while listening to loud and fast music. 

Tonight I had time for incredibly selfish thoughts that were not worth having, but it was kinda nice to have time for frivolous thoughts....I kinda miss them... but it is probably a good thing I'm distracted by school and Sigma and by the kid I babysit--Jake.

I keep wishing for the future, to meet a match. I love my guy friends and make efforts to protect them from the harm I  can cause though sometimes I a) still act in way not conducive to that end and b) simply miss my friends. The city always makes me think about this stuff that shouldn't be in my mind at all until someone likes me enough to take me to church and not have sex with me because I'm one of those weird christian girls. 

   

The Night Before

Tomorrow I will be awake at some awful time to print out a manual, a personality survey thing, pack the last few things in my car, and hit the road to Atlanta. There I will drop off a few things and carpool to Charlotte, North Carolina where I am going to spend the night with a whole bunch of Sigma's. Here is to hoping that it goes well. I just really excited for the several hours I am going to spend alone in my car listening to music. I think I might just turn my phone off while I'm driving. It will be great.

Hello 2012!

It has been so nice to meet you and I cannot wait to see what you will have for me. I realize that as a tangible measurement of time, an intangible concept, you're really just a figment of my imagination. Within your seasons I am going to change and grow because, well, that is what people do regardless if they want to or not. Hopefully, I  will grow and change in good ways. Here are a few changes I am going to make, not because it is a new year but because I finally have the tools catalyze changes I have wanted for a long time.

-Work out 2-3 times a week. (eek, we finally got a new gym!)
-Manage my finances more accordingly. (ie actually create and USE a budget, AND save money to live in Atlanta over the summer. Also, start investing wisely.)
-Spend more time with God. (ie subscribe to a proper quiet time and go to church more often. It does sound tedious, but I actually love it and thrive when I make myself do it.)
-Do things that I have decided I want to do instead of doing things others want me to do. (ie, I would much rather cuddle in my bed with a good book than party. Thus, don't be cajoled into going out when you don't want to.

I don't know about you, 2012, but I think this is a reasonable list of life style changes to accomplish. Throughout this next year, you and I are going to get to know each other pretty well. I'm not making an...

Delaney just got here, EEEEKKK! So imma go.