J. Michael Gray

Well, about five months ago I received a Facebook message from my biological brother informing me, more or less, that he was cutting me out of his life. He gave a few vague answers, but nothing that really gave me an understanding of why he acted so abruptly and felt it was so necessary. Anyway, I chalked it up to his "rough childhood."  I know things were very difficult for him during his adolescence, and I understand that. I also understand that I do not know the whole story, nor everything he went through, and I will take for granted that it was more difficult than I saw or could have imagined. However, of our younger years, he tells a completely different story from the one I experienced and I just don't understand. Flipping through some old Facebook photos this evening of pictures from our childhood, he had captioned a picture of our mother "took this 15 seconds before getting slapped for taking the picture. totally worth it." My memory of my mother, my very clear and vivid memories, tell me that she was not abusive. I mean, I would get slapped in the face every once in a blue moon, but that did happen very often at all. Needless to say, it is extremely confusing to have to very different and strong opinions of the same childhood.  I also know that 1) children living in the same house can experience two very different childhoods--this is a thing, it happens all the time; 2) memories can and do change every time we retrieve a memory because our brains want to fill in the holes--human memories actually are not very good and pretty much suck. So that leaves me with two working theories: either I didn't witness or experience the things my brother claims he did (which is possible) or his memory was changed (or I witnessed everything and my memory changed).  As silly as it may sound, either are possible and neither he nor I have the ability to distinguish what actually happened, since we have two competing theories. But, that inability causes problems for it leaves us both maintaining our own, spereate, incompatible memories. I am guessing how he feels about it because, at my discretion, we don't talk about IT. I guess he feels even more hurt because I am either unwilling or unable to affirm his hurt and pain. I guess I'm not sure it would do any good to talk to him about IT, at least that is what my high school self decided, because all we will do is fight without coming to a consensus. Hmm, maybe we both have warped memories and ideas, ones that would never occur to us, each of us.

On the upside, I have one more facebook friend (aren't I cool? ) because my brother decided to add me back on Facebook this afternoon.

Sunburn

After joking for the past five days about how eager I was to acquire a sunburn, I finally have one. Trying darken my skin and finish my homework at the same time I read on the backporch this morning and then drove to read on the beach. It was a nice day. I read on the couch, the porch, the beach, and then the couch again. While at the beach I decided to take a reading break and go for a walk, which is an interesting thing to do alone when the beach is filled with spring breakers hanging out with each other. I was happy to be alone, sharing the song sand thoughts inside my head with God, while avoiding shore-washed jelly fish and laughing at the tourists. The night before last Delaney and I made dating profiles on websites for each other as a joke and not necessarily with the other's permission--I started it by making her a christianmingles.com profile. I met a cool person on her profile that she started talking to and she met another one on hers that she liked, but other than her one marriage proposal, that was about all. I think we both deleted both of our profiles tonight...well I deleted mine.
I think the idea of just meeting someone and being like, hey, i like you, is really weird and that if I were to date someone, which I don't think I would mind right now, I would rather date a friend and get to know him better. I guess though I just don't know how to strike a balance between communicating to any guy acquaintance 'hey, i'd like to get to know you better,' without leading him on--which is the last thing I want to do.

Crushed Ice Cubes

The people who surround us mirror ourselves and the world around us in a peculiar fashion that teaches us more than we could learn by looking into a glass. However, people, like glass, come in different colors, shapes, and sizes, with a unique contour that allows us to see more of the whole self. People can reflect their colors on us, like a tinted glass, or make us look disproportionate to the world through flattery or belittling like a concave or convex reflective. Those who love us often offer a rose tinted picture, those who hate us may have a refection with a red glare with grim lighting, while those who are indifferent toward us may show us an image in which we are not after all the main focal point.

An individual makes a different sort of mirror than a group, and when the two combine they create a different reflection than the two do apart. Adam Smith says our consciousnesses are created through our understanding of the reflections individuals, groups, and the two combined offer of ourselves. I’m not sure if I agree with him, although I can easily see why he believes that—I tend to lean towards a more Aquinas view of consciousness, but then again, what do I know? Regardless, we can certainly discover quite a bit about who we are by understanding how other people see us, how they react to our actions, and how and why we respond to the way individuals and groups act toward us. For instance, I’ve learned that despite the fact I’ve always thought myself to be a wonderful communicator, my mother has taught me that I am not always understood as clearly as I think I am coming across.

My friends have mirrored images have wanted to see, not always truthful images, and have also informed me of my numerous neurosis and quirks. My sorority has a group has mirrored back the image of a leader, a person I don’t know if I, in my long term, want to be—it is much easier to be someone who lets others down than it is to try to lead them.  The group of 40 something partiers on the beach, mirror back a quiet and misunderstood introspective (or maybe my parents are just 40 somethings who are now living the college years they never experienced and all I can think is surely there is more to life than that). 

I think it is in our interactions with others that we learn the most about who we want to be and who we actually are. I happened to have developed a crush on this guy I go to school with which is no big deal, nothing will come of it I’m sure, but in interacting with him it has become more evident, to me at least, that I am not the person I want to be. Not to be big-headed, but I tend to think extremely well of myself most of the time; however, I can genuinely admit that I am not good enough for this guy which shockingly makes me smile and a little sad or disappointed, rather, in myself. Interacting with him has inspired me to go after the things I love and want to be, not in an attempt to pursue him (I’ve decided to not pursue him), but for my own happiness. 

"People Say I'm Strange, Does It Make Me A Stranger?"

I am one of the strangest people I know, except for maybe some of my friends, but that is besides the point. This morning I woke up incredibly early to read articles that I was supposed to read last night for a meeting with a classmate at 9:30 this morning. Well, it didn't take me as long as I thought it would to read the articles. I mean, I woke up a 6:30ish. So I ended up getting all of my work done and going to breakfast at 8:30 because I was really hungry, well hungry enough to eat. It is at breakfast where my weirdness seems to me to become extremely pointed.

You see, I am a product of several opposites: a north-west and southern mindsets, intelligent atheism and uneducated Christianity,  and encouragment that I can do anything and discrimination for being a female (and short) to name a few. What have all those opposites turned me into? A kid who loves grits, a traditional southern breakfast food, and salsa on eggs, a traditionally western anytime dish.

At Oglethorpe last year, our food company, Bon Appetite, would serve breakfast burritos every once in a while with which they would serve salsa! Every breakfast I attended afterwards I was disappointed to find they did not feel salsa should be regularly available. I wrote comment cards about it. I'm very confident I was blatantly ignored. No worries, though (I know you are extremely worried...), we have a new food company, Aramark, that provides an omelet bar everyday! Now, I'm not the biggest omelet fan, I like over easy, over medium, fritattas, or scrambled better, but they have salsa at the omelet bar Every. Single. Day. When I first discovered the salsa I immediately asked the lady working behind it to put salsa on my scrambled. She thought I was crazy. I still think she thinks I am crazy, though she laughs at me now instead of scowling and lets me serve myself which I'm sure is against the rules.

What about salsa and scrambled eggs made me realize I was so strange? Well, 1) it is a weird (delicious) food combination, but 2) she told me today that she puts the salsa specifically on the edge of the thingy so I can reach around the plexy glass and serve myself.


Someone just sat down at the breakfast table and asked me what I was doing, to which I replied: I keep a blog to record my year so that a few years from now, I can look back and be like wow, I'm (insert adjective) and really narcissistic. So who am I today? I am a joyfully morbid person who values propriety and has an offending sense of humor. I like to consider myself an educated Christian although I doubt the educated part is always true. I know that if God is willing I can do anything I want to do, I just choose to not want to do the things I know I couldn't do like become a WNBA player or prostitute. Although I have short hair and often act like a ten year old boy, I'm confident in my femininity and am looking forward to finding a guy one of these days and getting married sometime within the next ten years.  And I eat salsa on my eggs.

When I Can't Sleep

I....

1) write angsty blog posts.
2) I stalk people on facebook
3) I read other's blogs
4) I eat
5) I lay n bed wondering why I can't sleep
6) I think about aggravating one of my friends
7) I think about everything in the world that is silly to think about
8) I realize I'm crazy and that everyone should stay far away from me least the crazy be released on them
9) I watch bones.

Life is about learning

I am suppossed to be studying for a midterm tomorrow, but I am aware of the fact that you cannot memorize things very well when you have a lot of cortisol in your blood....

I feel horrible. I have let many people down and have caused a huge liability risk. I haven't been the person I and people I love expect me to be. I can't change the past, but I can't woman-up and claim responsibility and the consequences for my actions. I can learn from my mistakes and hope that others are able to learn from them too.    I hope that eventually I can earn back the respect I loss for myself and the respect others loss for me.

I am very excited for tomorrow night, nervous and scared, but mostly excited, although sometimes I get confused over whether or not I am feeling anxiety or excitement... I don't know if I am doing the right thing or if I'm over analyzing, or what. I'm not even sure I can discern what is right right now. But Delaney and I should have fun at the comedy show:) I've never been to a comedy show before, but I'm sure it will be amusing. I'm also very confident Delaney will have fun watching me be a little crazy--it will give her things to tease me about which she feels a shortage for, at least if you ask her.

I've lost my planner, and that is a really big problem. I'm upset with myself for a lot of things right now, but not being able to find my planner is about #1.....

Voices

Why are the negative voices louder than the positive voices? Why is it easier to start a rebellion and to encourage anarchy than it is to build a city? Why are passions excited more quickly for the dark and tasteless things than for nurturing and giving activities?

You hear what you allow around you, the people you surround yourself with, the music to which you listen, the thoughts you allow to float between your ears.

I want positive, healthy, happy, constructive, loving, caring, and protective thoughts and feelings for the world and people around me, for the organizations with which I choose to affiliate, and for myself.

Naysayers! I shun you!