Meet boy or draw nearer to God: both good options.

I haven't written anything in quite some time. I haven't felt like I have had time for this little bugger, and I certainly haven't had time to write or work on a short story. I've not had any papers to write either. I think I just don't know what to write about, I mean, I have a lot of feelings I could put on to this figurative paper, but that would be selfish writing. (I have filled countless notebooks with "selfish" writing.) A man I truly admire very much once said when asked to give advice to beginning writers that he feels like his work is worthless when he writes for himself, but, when he writes something as a gift for others, his writing comes alive. He seems to be right, his books and words have deeply affected many, many people, including myself and those close to me. He has a way of discovering truths and communicating them with poignancy. Maybe I just do not have much to tell people, maybe I do not have the answers I so badly want to have and share, maybe I am simply incapable of seeing the bigger picture.

In psych class the other day we were talking about a word, I forget what word, but it has to do with an adolescents thought process that maintains everyone is thinking about them, or conversely that no one understands them. I think said word may be adolescent-egotism. I guess that is actually two words. The past few days I have had the fortune to remember thinking about how special I was and wondering if people could see the special that I new was inside of me--another symptom of adolescent egotism. Sometimes I would be embarrassed if people saw it (or I thought they saw it) other times I would pretentiously be embarrassed for someone if they didn't see it--a kinda "Don't you know who I am?" type of attitude. In remembering those silly thoughts, I've realized that there is genuinely nothing that special about me and I can't help but wonder if there is actually any one thing I am meant to do or accomplish. I am not special, I am painfully average, and I'm not quite sure what to do with that, what kind of life I am supposed to shape or imagine.

Of three things I am certain: I know that I was created to worship God. I know that He/She/It has a plan for my life that I will never understand. I know that life and, consequently, all plans are uncertain.

I am excited to go to church on Sunday. Maybe I'll meet a boy or become closer to God.

Happy Valentine's Day To You

When I was a little kid, every Valentine's Day if my mother has just a little money to spare, we would have a big event. I'm talking lobster tails and king crab for dinner with banana's foster for desert with the entire family. I don't think she and my father ever went out together on a date on Valentine's. They chose to instead, to make it a family event, about love and affection even if you didn't have a "significant other". I suppose they thought me that you didn't have to be romantic with someone for them to be a significant person in your life. My daddy always bought my mom and I a bouquet of flowers each (although mine was smaller) and he and mom gave my brother and I each a Valentine's Card. It was lovely. I remember thinking that it would be awkward when I grew up and had a boyfriend on Valentine's because my parents would be sad I wasn't spending it with them. Well, that hasn't happened yet--the boyfriend part. However, I still celebrate the day of love and use it as an opportunity to share my love and affection with those I care about--even if I am only giving people a silly card and a few pieces of candy (I really didn't want to bake this year like I did last.)

Despite the number of Facebook posts and other comments from "single" people about how silly and stupid this day is, I would like to argue that they are not really single, they have people to love and to love in return even if it is not in the romantic sense. While I am looking forward to the day when I am blessed with that different kind of love, I do not feel like I am lacking love or a reason to celebrate love and affection today on this heart-shaped holiday.

It is kind of funny in that way that makes you giggle while everyone stares at you because you are the only one laughing. I mean, it is funny the way things change, the things that once evoked emotions so strong triggering the desire to vomit no longer affect you while other things you once took for granted become extremely important. That being said I am currently cataloging in my head all the things over which my feelings have changed in the past year or so that are really inappropriate to talk about where people who might actually know what I'm talking about can read. Thinking about change reminds me of a question I regularly use to aggravate those who choose to be close to me--how can we ever know who we are or who other people are? We're always changing, so we're never the same from moment to moment, so how can we really know ourselves or other people. I don't think we ever truly can. Despite that, I am still procrastinating studying in the same manner I always have, drinking the same inspiring drink I always do when I'm lacking inspiration/will power and need that final push, I'm still day dreaming about the same thing, looking at the same pictures, missing my brother, and longing for a far off futures while trying not to forget the importance of today (and well that test I have tomorrow afternoon.)

P.S. I got to listen to a violin tonight and share it with a friend whom of late I haven't spent enough time with and it was absolutely delightful. I wish I got to do things like that more often.

FOOTBALL!!!

I have two facts for you: today is the superbowl and kick off for that game happens to be at 6:30.
I really dislike football, the game itself and the amount of importance so many people place on it...Maybe it is so popular because men don't hunt like they used to...
Anyways, the only reason I know those things about the superbowl is because we're having a superbowl party at sigma tonight--a party I planned that hopefully a handful of potential new members will be coming to. That is now two sentences I was ended with the word to...  Anyways, tonight is our first official recruitment event even though we have been recruiting girls for the past twp weeks. I'm nervous about how the day will turn out, I mean, what happens if no potential new members show up? The event would be a waste of time, energy, and money--all of which are currently limited resources. Anywho, I'm excited not because I like football (we will also be decorating cookies and playing games), but because I have planned this event and I'm excited to see it go smoothly and I hope successfully.

Lent

I've never celebrated Lent. However, over the years I have participated in a church-wide (my local church) Daniel fast, a larger community wide 40-day challenge, which is a type of fasting, and have had my own personal seasons of fasting. I don't remember really fasting as a kid, and I remember thinking about fasting as I got a little older, but it didn't really make sense to me despite reading the stories of cities that fasted and the miracle of the Esther story that involves a great bit of fasting--I just didn't get it. However, one day during middle school I found a passage in Isaiah in which God basically says, and forgive my paraphrasing, 'why do you fast and then do what ever you want? Why on your day of fasting are you mean to people and punch them in the face? That isn't what fasting is supposed to be about. It is supposed to be about taking care of those who need it and breaking addictions and conquering suck.' ( See Isaiah 58) and it hit me, I guess what fasting was supposed to be about, why it was so powerful, and why it is a good thing. After I gained  bit of understanding, I liked Lent a little bit more than I did previously. However, then I fully realized what Fat Tuesday and Mardi Gras were about and I was disgusted. They are fun traditions, but the theological basis for the "holidays" are not existent. It doesn't make sense to me to stuff your face with as much food and alcohol as possible, or to get all your "sin" out of the way before you fast for a little while. Now, don't misunderstand, I'm not accusing the acts of eating and drinking to be sins. The activities of Fat Tuesday and Mardi Gras seems to me to be  symbolizing getting all the sin you want out of your system before fasting. And that isn't how my understanding of fasting or Christianity works. It isn't about getting the bad stuff out of your system by doing whatever it is for a period of time, it is about ever striving to live up to the title christian--Christ like. I know I fall short of that ever day, which is ultimately okay, but that doesn't mean I get a break from that for a few days before Lent. Needless to say, when a proposal for a large pre-Lent feast came before SGA today, my religious self righteousness was aggravated about the incorrectness of it all. I voted to approve the proposal because, in that situation at least, my personal religious opinions need to be disregarded. 

And as I type this I am more aware of my own imperfections cough-I-know-self-righteousness-is-a-bad-thing-cough and conscious that everyone misunderstands something and the person who thinks they know all and lord it over others' heads is probably the most clueless of all.