Last fall I stopped blogging for the most part because I stopped having thoughts that were appropriate to share with the internet. (read: I was angry about a lot of things, and anger/complaining rants are not things that should always be public.) But, I think I will let the world wide internet see once again how narcissistic I really am. (What's a blog for anyways other than narcissistic rambles?) So, to begin.

So far this summer, I have learned two things God (why not be honest and possibly offensive?) has taught me two things:

1. Happiness/perfection does not exist in a list.

So here is the deal, I don't like to not be in control of the world around me even though I know I have absolutely no control, but that is besides the point. Needless to say, when I decided I finally thought a boyfriend sounded like a good idea, I looked for someone who fit the list. (yes, I have a list and yea, I know that is really silly.) The list was my way of controlling how a relationship would work. And it did. The list was safe, predictable, not incredibly emotional or distracting. Well, the list did help me realize I don't like long distance very much, but it did absolutely nothing to create a semblance of that Happiness Or Whatever It Is People Talk About. At least I know I am not good at relationships. I still have my list saved somewhere in a private blog I read from time to time for nostalgia, but, although I still agree with most of the sentiments, I don't think it is everything.

2. I don't know myself 

I was playing with my mother's pencil eyeliner which I have no idea how to use--I use a brush and "paint" eyeliner on-- when I accidentally created this very dramatic look. I showed my mom and asked what she thought. It looked good, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't me? She said, "You would be a very different person" if I wore my makeup like that, dark, thick and dramatic. Well, I started thinking about how a change of appearance automatically changes the person others would perceive me to be. So technically, I could become anyone I wanted to whomever I wanted. This inspired a downward spiral of self-centered thoughts which concluded in a healthy dose of self doubt. I do not know myself half as well as I think I do or as much as I would like partly because I'm still growing, personalities aren't fully formed until around 28, and I'm just fickle twenty something girl (which, by the way, has negative consequences on others...which sucks.) (Also, way to be typical, self, living up to a stereotype AND having a blog.)